Finding a place for a tree that needs full sun isn't that easy in our yard. We finally decided where the perfect place would be and we were actually thinking of taking out a big rock and putting the tree in it's place. Well....easier said than done! The rock was more like a glacier, there was a little bit sticking up above the grass but there was a heck of a lot more below the surface! I have no idea how long I was digging out the stupid rock and the hole kept getting wider and wider. I decided it would be nice to have a big rock NEXT to the tree instead.
I really didn't get too emotional digging the hole until I started thinking why I was digging it. It's a strange combination of emotions. What do you do when you're filled with sadness, remorse, doubt, disappointment, but then relief, hopefulness, peacefulness, thankfulness, and the feeling that we're blessed to have what we have and be able to learn and grow from all this? I'm still trying to sort it all out not that I think I ever will.
So now we have a pretty little plum tree with a rock next to it and lots of dirt surrounding both of them. I think I'll plant some flowers around it and just wait for the plums to start growing! I told Miriam that she needs to watch over the tree and us and she'll love seeing her brothers and sister picking the plums year after year. Thankfully the tree is self pollinating so we should have no problem getting lots of plums year after year.
I wanted to send out a big Thank You to everyone who has sent cards, well wishes and gifts to us. Honor and Mikey think it's my birthday, we'll go with that. Also a personal "Thank You" to all the women who have opened up to me about your losses, it's a sucky "club" to be in but I'm glad to know many of you have gone on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies. Thank You.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Our new plum tree
** Warning, this post contains some information about my miscarriage that not everyone will want to read. If you'd like to skip through the explicit info and find out about the plum tree scroll to the section with the blue font.
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All weekend I've been telling my body it's ok to let go. We decided if we had to go through a procedure, either being induced or have a D & C, we both agreed that the best way for us was the D & C. I've been dreading Tuesday, knowing that it would be the day I'd have to make a call to an unfamiliar OB to schedule the procedure. My previous OB left the practice to just be a baby catcher and not see patients on a regular basis and since I had a midwife this time around (...Joyce, you're amazing!!) I was not affiliated with OB at all. So needless to say I was hoping all weekend that my body would listen and let go.
It all started at 4:00 am Monday morning. I went to get Thorin from his crib as usual and let him sleep the rest of the morning in our bed. After I gave him a little bit of milk and he fell back asleep I began to feel very crampy. I went downstairs to get some Motrin and drink some water as the pain kept increasing. I was afraid to go back up the stairs at this point so I stayed in the first floor bathroom. I'd say I was in "labor" for about 20 minutes. At about 4:30 am the amniotic sac, baby and placenta all passed together along with plenty of blood. It was a bit scary, I knew there would be blood but I never really thought of how everything would actually come out. After going through a few births you know the water breaks and the baby comes out (or in Thorin's case the bag of water explodes as he comes bursting out into the world) and then comes the placenta. I wasn't exactly imagining that it would all come together at once but after thinking about it and seeing it of course it makes sense. I'm so lucky things happened relatively normally and I have not had excessive bleeding or large blood clots. I was thinking at the end of it all that even though this ended in a miscarriage I still had a quiet, uneventful, peaceful home birth.
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I finally went back upstairs to tell Darren that my body had listened and the baby came around 4:30 am. We sat on the couch, cuddled and waited for my body to relax so I could finally go back to sleep. I slept amazingly well and felt better when I woke up than I did in the past few months. I guess my body really didn't agree with this pregnancy and of course things happen for a reason even if we don't agree with the outcome at the moment.
So the question is what do we do now? We decided the best and most sentimental thing was to plant a tree. Some people plant a placenta tree after the baby's born but in this case I'm sure I don't have to say. We agreed the baby's a girl (not that we could tell at this point but we didn't look either) and named her Miriam Daisy Breathe (everyone had a part in that, even Honor). We went out to Perrault's Nursey in Grafton and bought her (and us) a plum tree. She'll be an intregal part of this special tree and will watch over it and us. I really feel at peace with all that happened and like I said earlier....I'm glad that it ended the way it did and I still had a peaceful, quiet, uneventful home birth.
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All weekend I've been telling my body it's ok to let go. We decided if we had to go through a procedure, either being induced or have a D & C, we both agreed that the best way for us was the D & C. I've been dreading Tuesday, knowing that it would be the day I'd have to make a call to an unfamiliar OB to schedule the procedure. My previous OB left the practice to just be a baby catcher and not see patients on a regular basis and since I had a midwife this time around (...Joyce, you're amazing!!) I was not affiliated with OB at all. So needless to say I was hoping all weekend that my body would listen and let go.
It all started at 4:00 am Monday morning. I went to get Thorin from his crib as usual and let him sleep the rest of the morning in our bed. After I gave him a little bit of milk and he fell back asleep I began to feel very crampy. I went downstairs to get some Motrin and drink some water as the pain kept increasing. I was afraid to go back up the stairs at this point so I stayed in the first floor bathroom. I'd say I was in "labor" for about 20 minutes. At about 4:30 am the amniotic sac, baby and placenta all passed together along with plenty of blood. It was a bit scary, I knew there would be blood but I never really thought of how everything would actually come out. After going through a few births you know the water breaks and the baby comes out (or in Thorin's case the bag of water explodes as he comes bursting out into the world) and then comes the placenta. I wasn't exactly imagining that it would all come together at once but after thinking about it and seeing it of course it makes sense. I'm so lucky things happened relatively normally and I have not had excessive bleeding or large blood clots. I was thinking at the end of it all that even though this ended in a miscarriage I still had a quiet, uneventful, peaceful home birth.
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I finally went back upstairs to tell Darren that my body had listened and the baby came around 4:30 am. We sat on the couch, cuddled and waited for my body to relax so I could finally go back to sleep. I slept amazingly well and felt better when I woke up than I did in the past few months. I guess my body really didn't agree with this pregnancy and of course things happen for a reason even if we don't agree with the outcome at the moment.
So the question is what do we do now? We decided the best and most sentimental thing was to plant a tree. Some people plant a placenta tree after the baby's born but in this case I'm sure I don't have to say. We agreed the baby's a girl (not that we could tell at this point but we didn't look either) and named her Miriam Daisy Breathe (everyone had a part in that, even Honor). We went out to Perrault's Nursey in Grafton and bought her (and us) a plum tree. She'll be an intregal part of this special tree and will watch over it and us. I really feel at peace with all that happened and like I said earlier....I'm glad that it ended the way it did and I still had a peaceful, quiet, uneventful home birth.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Trying to sort through the emotions
Most of you already know but I'm sure there are many out there who have not heard the news yet. We just found out on May 22 that we lost the baby. We went for the ultrasound at 1:40pm on Friday after meeting with our midwife the night before. She could not find the heart beat with her doppler just as I had been having a hard time for about 2-3 weeks so she scheduled an ultrasound for us. I had a feeling things weren't right but thought maybe the baby's hiding or it's measuring small and that's why I don't feel anything. I should have been 17 weeks at this point but found out at the ultrasound that the baby only measured 13 weeks 5 days.
There are so many questions that run through your head at this point...could I have done more? If I only scheduled an ultrasound when I first thought something might be wrong. Did I eat or drink something that caused some harm? Was I taking enough vitamins? Was I taking too many vitamins? Is the well water at the new house safe? Is there some underlying illness that caused it? When I had my kidney infection could that have done some damage?
Who knows. The fact that the baby was so perfect on the ultrasound, lying there so still with a perfect little head and tiny little hands and feet broke my heart and I know Darren felt the same way. Why after 3 perfect babies and relatively uncomplicated pregnancies and births did this happen?
I think Darren and I have accepted the outcome and are sort of glad that it happened at this point in the pregnancy. I'm not looking forward to the next step since my body has not taken care of things on it's own. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I was further along.
All I can say at this point is we're going to try again and I'm going to take much better care of myself and family and not take anything for granted. Right now I feel like my body's been chewed up by a hippo (aches and cramps rather than sharp pains if it was a mountain lion) and hung up on a clothes line for days. But as soon as things regulate and I start to feel more normal I'm going to work to make things better for me and those around me. I never want to have to go through this again!
Thank you so much to all that have sent well wishes, thoughts and prayers to us. It means more than you know!
There are so many questions that run through your head at this point...could I have done more? If I only scheduled an ultrasound when I first thought something might be wrong. Did I eat or drink something that caused some harm? Was I taking enough vitamins? Was I taking too many vitamins? Is the well water at the new house safe? Is there some underlying illness that caused it? When I had my kidney infection could that have done some damage?
Who knows. The fact that the baby was so perfect on the ultrasound, lying there so still with a perfect little head and tiny little hands and feet broke my heart and I know Darren felt the same way. Why after 3 perfect babies and relatively uncomplicated pregnancies and births did this happen?
I think Darren and I have accepted the outcome and are sort of glad that it happened at this point in the pregnancy. I'm not looking forward to the next step since my body has not taken care of things on it's own. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I was further along.
All I can say at this point is we're going to try again and I'm going to take much better care of myself and family and not take anything for granted. Right now I feel like my body's been chewed up by a hippo (aches and cramps rather than sharp pains if it was a mountain lion) and hung up on a clothes line for days. But as soon as things regulate and I start to feel more normal I'm going to work to make things better for me and those around me. I never want to have to go through this again!
Thank you so much to all that have sent well wishes, thoughts and prayers to us. It means more than you know!
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